Sunday, March 27, 2011

So many things I gotta say...

"‎Do not allow people to dim your
shine because they are blinded. 
Tell  them to put on some 
sunglasses, cuz we were born this 
way bitch!" 
— Lady Gaga
I love my family but sometimes spending so much time can be so tiring and drive me absolutely crazy. It doesn't help when the older female members are undergoing a stage of extreme hormonal imbalances (AKA MENOPAUSE). Suddenly, you have a whole group of annoying, loud ,overbearing...WOMEN on your back. Trust me, it's a nightmare.
Going on the trip with my family was enjoyable. But as you know, the more time spent with them, the more friction there are, the more annoyances/irritating habits you notice, the more they rub off on you the wrong way... 


Is it so bad of me to hope for some peace+quiet+solitude sometimes. Makes me look like a fucked up, haughty loner-bitch but I'm really not the kind of person that can stand being energetic+extremely sweet+sociable all the fucking time. In fact, I'm probably not any of the stuff stated before 20% of the time if I'm not with the right crowd.

Which comes to the point how I totally can't get along well with some of my extended family members. My entire extended family is one of those traditional, conservative, chinese-speaking family. & I'm probably the direct opposite since I don't speak Chinese if given the choice. Difference in mindsets &personal habits? Or am I just a downright arrogant bitch that's not making an effort? It's not that I'm not trying but when I do or say certain things, nobody agrees or approves of it. & sometimes after I have a conversation with them, I just have to walk away because it's too maddening to continue the conversation with them given how they think.

"Don't you ever let a soul in the world tell you that you can't be exactly who 
you are." — Lady Gaga 

I hate to say this but I feel really irritated by my mum nowadays. My mum's like my best friend but in recent months, we've been having more...spats than ever.
It could be due to how I'm having a rebellious streak now. With the fact that I'm no longer in school, I just have the urge to do things I'll never do. I'm young. I'm allowed to make some mistake, get a little crazy, lose a little sleep.  Probably might regret it but it was worth it at that point of time when I wanted to do it anyway.
My mum's restricting what I wear, what I do, where I go, what time I sleep.. OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

I think my mum always wanted me to grow up to be one those girls.

You know, the nice, girly, slightly more conservative + traditional girls that doesn't have a westernised attitude. Doesn't have a rebellious streak. Isn't tomboy-ish and doesn't dress in "provocative" manners (yes my mum thinks I dress provocatively. Bullshit of the fucking century). Is polite & nice & approachable, not like the sometimes intimidating, seemingly arrogant bitch I am. The kind of girls that will listen to their parents all the time & is frugal, not picky and open-minded to everything.


I'm not going to change myself.  I hope this is just a phase. (Until her menopause is over where she can be less likely to swing from one extreme emotion to another & until I grow out of this phase.) 

"I used to walk down the street like I
was a fucking star... I want people to
walk around delusional about how
great they can be - and then to fight
so hard for it every day that the lie
becomes the truth." 
— Lady Gaga

You know how when you're feeling particularly low, your insecurities really come out and eat away your self-esteem. 
Most of the time, I don't really give a fuck. But when I'm feeling particularly low, all these insecurities just creeps out and kinda eat me inside. I can't be anywhere without having all these negative thoughts
Sometimes I wonder...
What do I lack?
As a girl, it's actually really nice to have some attention once in a while. But when you have something that is like a "drought" in this area, it can be such a blow to the self-esteem. 
I guess being painfully shy & awkward + scary facade probably doesn't make me the most approachable/friendly person around. 

Sometimes it can even lead me to think if I should really change the way I am slightly.
But thank god that each time I think about, one part of my mind will say "FUCK IT, DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO. IF THEY DON'T SEE WHAT YOU SEE THEN TOO FUCKING BAD FOR THEM."
But of course, sometimes the insecure side wins and I'll feel terribly inept & inferior for the rest of the day.It sucks really because deep down I know there's nothing wrong with me & I'm kinda born with this weird talent of not being able to fit into any particular mold. Sometimes seeing certain things or pictures just seem to unleash all these personal demons all at once. I'm tired of doubting myself,really

"All that ever holds somebody back, I 
think, is fear. For a minute I had fear. 
[Then] I went into the [dressing] room 
and shot my fear in the face..."  
 Lady Gaga"

I should sleep now. & wake up tomorrow feeling better with a stronger resolve to get things done and forget all these shit.
Tomorrow will be a more fruitful & better day. I just know it.