I could be listening to a song, watching a music video, watching a movie, reading a book or even talking with someone. There would be a trigger: some particular topic, or emotion, & the tears can't stop falling.
My auntie must think I'm crazy because I was tearing while watching a Korean music video.
I wonder when I started seeing crying as a weakness. But I have a vague idea when and why.
& that's probably when I steeled my heart against all kinds of bullshit that could get to me, because some things aren't worth breaking your heart over. They just aren't worth your time or your effort. It was when I realize that there is no need for me to put in so much effort to make things right because some people/things aren't worth it.
That no matter what I do, I will still be insignificant to some people. It has been like that since I was a kid, & it will go on. I don't have to prove myself to these people. I've learnt firsthand how heartbreaking a rejection can be. To be regarded as invisible, as if I don't exist at all, by someone I've know for all my life. I still remember how I felt: I was so angry, so depressed, so torn, but I kept it all in. Then I went home and cried myself to sleep that night. In fact, I think I cried myself to sleep for several nights since that.
I've decided that I don't give a fuck about what they think because I will live my life as how I do it.
& in that time, I realized that whether it's emotional, physical or verbal abuse, I know I am strong enough to tolerate it because I am the better person who will be strong for the sake of everyone when everything is falling apart.
Because nothing lasts forever.& even if your life is an absolute wreck, things WILL get better.
& they did.
Well, hypophrenia is putting things lightly, yes I do suffer from sudden short bouts of mild sadness + loneliness. But mainly I've always have quite a bit of angst locked up inside me that will creep out now and then and today, it just so happens that I've vented out all the angst I've kept hidden away.
I hardly like to talk about what I'm feeling/thinking in depth. Typing out and posting all I feel here, it makes me feel....vulnerable.
But I also feel so much better, because it's been so long since I've vented properly.