Monday, September 26, 2011

10:34:35

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It's strange how emotional I am nowadays. I cry at the strangest times at the strangest things, for absolutely no reason at all. Maybe I'm bottling way too many years of bullshit+tears up and my tear ducts subconsciously decided to release all of them through tears at the strangest moments.

I could be listening to a song, watching a music video, watching a movie, reading a book or even talking with someone. There would be a trigger: some particular topic, or emotion, & the tears can't stop falling.

My auntie must think I'm crazy because I was tearing while watching a Korean music video.

I wonder when I started seeing crying as a weakness. But I have a vague idea when and why.

& that's probably when I steeled my heart against all kinds of bullshit that could get to me, because some things aren't worth breaking your heart over.  They just aren't worth your time or your effort. It was when I realize that there is no need for me to put in so much effort to make things right because some people/things aren't worth it.
That no matter what I do, I will still be insignificant to some people. It has been like that since I was a kid, & it will go on. I don't have to prove myself to these people. I've learnt firsthand how heartbreaking a rejection can be. To be regarded as invisible, as if I don't exist at all, by someone I've know for all my life. I still remember how I felt: I was so angry, so depressed, so torn, but I kept it all in. Then I went home and cried myself to sleep that night. In fact, I think I cried myself to sleep for several nights since that.

I've decided that I don't give a fuck about what they think because I will live my life as how I do it.
& in that time, I realized that whether it's emotional, physical or verbal abuse, I know I am strong enough to tolerate it because I am the better person who will be strong for the sake of everyone when everything is falling apart.
Because nothing lasts forever.& even if your life is an absolute wreck, things WILL get better. 


& they did.


Well, hypophrenia is putting things lightly, yes I do suffer from sudden short bouts of mild sadness + loneliness. But mainly I've always have quite a bit of angst locked up inside me that will creep out now and then and today, it just so happens that I've vented out all the angst I've kept hidden away.

I hardly like to talk about what I'm feeling/thinking in depth. Typing out and posting all I feel here, it makes me feel....vulnerable.

But I also feel so much better, because it's been so long since I've vented properly.

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Friday, September 23, 2011

HELLO AFTER SO LONG.


"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

What a long, long, looooooooooong absence. I still wonder if anybody even bother reading this space. Too much has happened in the span of 1.5 months.

  • School has started officially & half a semester has gone by.
  • I said goodbye to some of my friends who has left our sunny little island to elsewhere to begin a new chapter of their life.
  • I've taken up a challenge & I'm really excited to see how it would be like.
I need somewhere to vent. 

The past 1.5 months has been a whirl. School has been alright. Hectic for the past few weeks because I had to complete my numerous readings for Asian Horror Film, Astrology and Communication core modules.
I had to practice French diligently (Je parle un peu Fran├žais!) to make sure that I really grasp the language well.
& I had to complete a news article for my Media Writing course.
My recess week has unofficially started so I'm finally getting a breather from all the university stuff I had to get used to! But university life has been awesome!
Can feel myself getting fat from eating so much HAHA!


So many of my friends are overseas. My primary school friends that I haven't seen in ages are in England now while dear Hanzhe is in Buffalo now.I AM SO ENVIOUS OF THEM!!!!!
Would love to go overseas but because of money constraints and the fact that I am to smart enough for a scholarship, an overseas education seems entirely impossible(other than exchanges).

Sometimes I feel a little....inadequate because all of them are in these foreign countries, enjoying a whole new lifestyle. Seeing new things, meeting new people and entirely immersing themselves in a whole new culture.
I want myself to be doing that soon.




Currently working on a super exciting project now with a few friends. Will not be disclosing much details but I'm so glad that I agreed to do this. Even though we have so much to accomplished in such a short time (making everything seem so daunting!!!!!) , I'm sure we can pull through!
I like this feeling of being busy. Of having many deadlines to meet and having to keep thinking of fresh new ideas to make things work. I hope whatever I do will have positive results. & even if it doesn't, it will be a good learning experience, definitely.


SEEING THEM TMR AT F1 WITH BECCA!
WE WE WE WE SO EXCITED!^^



Thursday, September 22, 2011

MARY KATRANTZOU IS A GENIUZ.

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Mary Katrantzou SS12
Combining images of nature(Underwater, fishes, flowers) & man's trash( scrap metals). Total sensory overload. As I had to take some time to digest all the crazy prints+colours because my eyes couldn't quite get used to all that craziness.
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Mary Katrantzou SS12

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Mary Katrantzou SS12

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Mary Katrantzou SS12

Shouldn't multi-task seriously. Tetris battling + writing 204 + looking at SS12 collections + watching ancient aliens. My brain is swimming. Applying what Dr Chen, my CS201 lecturer, said. This is total message overload.
BUT SO GLAD THAT MY RECESS WEEK IS HERE. LIKE FINALLY.