$$$$

Low on $$$ because I've been splurging.

NEW RINGS FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NULL.

“There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. It's like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction--every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it's really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and excitement at about a million miles an hour.” 


-Sylvia Plath




Do you know this feeling? 
You know, when you lie in bed, it's 2am. You can't sleep. You wonder about a lot of things, like how you can make things better, or run through the day's occurrences and wonder about what you could have done. You wonder if things could have been different if your particular course of action had been radically different.


& then you feel inexplicably sad.


You feel empty, but you wouldn't call it loneliness. Because you figured that you can't be lonely if you've always been leading a pretty solitary life, save for your friends & family (& you like it). Since you can't make a comparison to how it feels like to be intricately connected to somebody, you can't confirm that this feeling is really called "loneliness". It would just be a sad-ish kind of feeling, & you wonder why is it so. 


You wonder if it's you, or is it really people in general. Then you wonder if things could have been different if you were like this particular person, if you have acted or looked a certain way, it would matter. Your pride tells you that you're too good to be somebody else but yourself. 


It's always confusing.


Then you decide that you would not give a fuck (and you should not give a fuck).


So you fall asleep.








Does this happens to you? Or maybe it's just me.


I think it's just me.


I need to sleep. & stop being ridiculous.


Goodnight.

TWENTYTWELVE

weheartit.com

In 2011,

I've learnt to be careless, and callous. I've finally learnt that the small things don't really matter sometimes. I've gotten more cynical. & I've kinda destroyed many of the ideals I've long held. I used to be a walking mass of contradictions. I'm still like that sometimes, but I think I'm more clear with certain things now.

I've also learnt to be selfish, thick-skinned, unassuming, reckless and responsible all at the same time. I've learnt that the root of all disappointments is expectations and expectations can really get you nowhere. All it does to you is leave you feeling like complete shit. Being nice all the time gets you nowhere either. You have to be a bitch sometimes to win so I'm working on that, building a callous bitch as one of my alter egos.

Nothing is permanent, everything is temporary. 

(Even this bout of strange sadness that I've been having at night when I'm in bed and feeling slightly insomniac. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'm just having too little sleep.)

I'm definitely not the same person I was in 2011. I like to say I've gotten less naive over the year. I hope I'm a better person now but I could just be getting worse, that's hard to say. 

Sometimes I'm disappointed with myself because I still say shit and run my mouth and get people around me hurt. & I'm still selfish and self-centered (something that seems to be getting worse). I'm too proud for my own good, I think too much and I'm too controlling. 

I want to get better this year.

Hello 2012, what do you have in store for me?