I've learnt to be careless, and callous. I've finally learnt that the small things don't really matter sometimes. I've gotten more cynical. & I've kinda destroyed many of the ideals I've long held. I used to be a walking mass of contradictions. I'm still like that sometimes, but I think I'm more clear with certain things now.
I've also learnt to be selfish, thick-skinned, unassuming, reckless and responsible all at the same time. I've learnt that the root of all disappointments is expectations and expectations can really get you nowhere. All it does to you is leave you feeling like complete shit. Being nice all the time gets you nowhere either. You have to be a bitch sometimes to win so I'm working on that, building a callous bitch as one of my alter egos.
Nothing is permanent, everything is temporary.
(Even this bout of strange sadness that I've been having at night when I'm in bed and feeling slightly insomniac. Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'm just having too little sleep.)
I'm definitely not the same person I was in 2011. I like to say I've gotten less naive over the year. I hope I'm a better person now but I could just be getting worse, that's hard to say.
Sometimes I'm disappointed with myself because I still say shit and run my mouth and get people around me hurt. & I'm still selfish and self-centered (something that seems to be getting worse). I'm too proud for my own good, I think too much and I'm too controlling.
I want to get better this year.
Hello 2012, what do you have in store for me?