NULL.

“There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. It's like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction--every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it's really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and excitement at about a million miles an hour.” 


-Sylvia Plath




Do you know this feeling? 
You know, when you lie in bed, it's 2am. You can't sleep. You wonder about a lot of things, like how you can make things better, or run through the day's occurrences and wonder about what you could have done. You wonder if things could have been different if your particular course of action had been radically different.


& then you feel inexplicably sad.


You feel empty, but you wouldn't call it loneliness. Because you figured that you can't be lonely if you've always been leading a pretty solitary life, save for your friends & family (& you like it). Since you can't make a comparison to how it feels like to be intricately connected to somebody, you can't confirm that this feeling is really called "loneliness". It would just be a sad-ish kind of feeling, & you wonder why is it so. 


You wonder if it's you, or is it really people in general. Then you wonder if things could have been different if you were like this particular person, if you have acted or looked a certain way, it would matter. Your pride tells you that you're too good to be somebody else but yourself. 


It's always confusing.


Then you decide that you would not give a fuck (and you should not give a fuck).


So you fall asleep.








Does this happens to you? Or maybe it's just me.


I think it's just me.


I need to sleep. & stop being ridiculous.


Goodnight.